Welcome to the new Kia Oval...

Selling naming rights for grounds has to be among the more egregious examples of sports marketing twattery, with historic, memorable, meaningful names falling to King Cash left, right and centre.

Perhaps the worst example in sport was the replacement for the atmospheric, if rather basic Ayresome Park with the gloriously-titled BT Cellnet Stadium.

Current examples include the Reebok and the Emirates, although the wholesale naming of entire teams seems to have dies out with Airbus and Total Network Solutions (which inspired the superb 'they'll be dancing in the streets of total network solutions' gag) from Jeff Stelling.

Cricket, as is its wont, has been slower to adapt than football (barring Yorkshire Carnegie), and thus far has only Headingley Carnegie (Headingley, as any sane man prefers to call it) and The Brit Oval (The Oval, as far as we're concerned) really taking to selling their souls.

Bacon-and-egg ties were almost burned in disgust earlier this year when it was suggested that the Lord's naming rights could be prostituted around London agencies. What a wonder that would have been. Go Compare Lord's. We Buy Any Car Lord's. Iceland Lord's.

Of course, the powers that be may be greedy, but they're also stuffy. So we would have ended up with something like The Coutts' Lord's, Jaguar Lord's or Lord's Harrods.

Which is why the following press release took me by surprise. The Brit Oval sounded naff, but you could almost convince yourself it was a reference to Britain. Plus insurance should fall squarely within cricket's conservative demographics.

But a (whisper it) budget car manufacturer? From KOREA?!* I can almost smell the angina. Clearly that South London air has relaxed a few airways down in Kennington.

Could be worse, I suppose. The Fosters Oval, perhaps?

Kia Motors (UK) Ltd., has today announced that they are to be the lead sponsor of Surrey County Cricket Club and The Oval cricket ground.

Kia has signed a five year deal, and will have full and exclusive naming rights to the historic ground and become the primary shirt sponsor for Surrey County Cricket Club. The deal is worth over £3.5m to the Club over its duration.

Kia - part of the third biggest auto group in the world - takes over from Brit Insurance as the Club and ground’s primary partner. As well as the ground naming rights and the firm’s logo on Surrey shirts, Kia will also have a number of hospitality and promotional benefits throughout the season. The deal will come into force on January 1st 2011, from whence the ground will be known as the Kia Oval.

The deal is Kia’s first entrance into the cricket market; the company currently has worldwide commercial partnerships with the FIFA World Cup and Australian Tennis Open. Further to this, it employs current world number one Rafael Nadal as a brand ambassador and is also the Official Automotive Partner of the National Basketball Association (NBA) in the United States, sponsoring thirteen individual teams.

Speaking about the deal Paul Sheldon, Chief Executive of Surrey County Cricket Club, said: “To sign a deal with a leading International brand such as Kia is a fantastic boost to the Club.

“It is also hugely beneficial to us that we have been able to agree a five year deal as this allows us to plan for the future – both financially and on the field – with certainty. I have great confidence that our partnership has a long and strong future ahead of it.

“I would also like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to Brit Insurance, which had been our lead sponsor since 2004. Throughout this time they have been a great support and I am delighted they are still a major supporter of our sport.”

Kia Motors (UK) Ltd., Managing Director Michael Cole said: "This is a fantastic opportunity for us to put our brand right at the heart of England’s favourite Summer sport and in front of an enthusiastic and extremely knowledgeable audience

"We are delighted to be linked with such an iconic location as The Oval - it is rightly famous around the world - and as our UK headquarters are in Weybridge it is a privilege to be so closely linked with Surrey County Cricket Club.”

*Needless to say I have nothing against Korean car manufacturers, or even Kia. Their cars are really good, as it goes.

David Gower screams in agony

A rare amusing moment from Sky's commentary team, during the fourth day of the first Test between England and Australia in the 2010 Ashes series.

Ashes 2010 live blog - First test

Follow us below for live updates on Sefton Park Cricket Club's take on the first test of the Ashes 2010.

Sky's shit advert for the 2010 Ashes

If I were relying on Botham's limp speech - as wooden as a ash stump - to inspire me before battle, I think I would be in trouble.

Similarly, Andrew Strauss is a fine cricketer, but he looks much more like the Atherton/Brearley style of captaincy - all ironed creases and traditional lemonades and Anna Karenina that someone who might cleave someone in two with a broadsword.

Of the others, Swann, Broad or even Colly, with his Northern dourness, are not men I'd choose to watch my back in a streetfight.

Cricket can certainly be played hard, verbally and physically, and it's no sport at the highest levels for weak characters.

However, to suggest that facing Doug Bollinger, Marcus North or Nathan Hauritz is akin to facing a hungry lion or crazed Roman gladiator in battle is a bit much.

It's typical of Sky's gaudy excess, about which I've already complained at lenght on this blog. Suffice it t say that it's shit.

Compare it to the BBC's effort, advertising its coverage of the Ashes on TMS and it seems particularly overblown, which is as apt a comparison between the two as I can imagine.

At the bottom is Sky's advert for its commentary team, showing a disbelieving Shane Warne seeing Australia taken over by the English, including a surfing, commentating David Lloyd shouting his idiotic catchphrase.

It's fairly daft stuff, but Nasser Hussain's sneering 'What do you think about that, Shane?' is quite amusing. Indeed, it's only Hussain, along with Michael Atherton, who offer any deviation from the standard whingeathon or chummy bromides that the Sky commentary team thrive on.

Anyway, here's to the Ashes of 2010. Book the week off, stock the fridge up, tune in, mute the volume and get TMS on the radio, my dear old things.

Zulqarnain Haider flees Pakistan - what does it tell us?

The news that Pakistan wicket-keeper, Zulqarnain Haider, has fled his team hotel in Dubai for a hotel in Heathrow, where he has subsequently claimed ayslum, might raise eyebrows but the suggestion of ongoing spot- or match-fixing surrounding the Pakistan team does not.

Neither was the suggestion that Mohammad Amir, Mohammad Asif and former skipper Salman Butt had conspired to deliver no-balls on the say-so of sports 'fixer' Mazhar Majeed, Butt's agent - although it appears that no-one made any financial gain through that particular episode.

Haider said he had received death threats for not following orders from match-fixers in a recent ODI, but the fact that he felt he had flee the team hotel in Dubai raises as many questions as it answers.

Did Haider feel in danger in the hotel? Surrounded by fellow players and PCB officials? Certainly the fall-out from the spot-fixing affiar seemed to sugges that younger, more naive members of the team were leaned on by the higher-ups.

Speaking to two asylum-seekers in the Sefton Park third eleven this year - one from Pakistan and one from Afghanistan - I got the this kind of patriarchal system is rife in sport. If you don't do what you're told - on the cricket pitch or off - you simply don't play again.

Looking at how quickly quality players have fallen out of favour in Pakistan in the past, and how the likes of Abdur Razzaq and Shoaib Akhtar have been bounceed in and out of the side for years, it's easy to imagine that such rigid hierarchical systems are open to abuse, where a colt player is ordered tho throw away his wicket or bowl a no-ball at an agreed time.

But, really, all of this is conjecture. At least until Haider starts talking, if he ever does.

A lovely pair of bouncers

This turned up in my inbox, from a friend who shall remain unnamed.

It reminded me of a time where a good old-fashioned spot of tit- and willy-flashing was an accepted part of televised sport; whereupon the commentators would have a bit of a chuckle, the cameramen would enjoy themselves and everyone at home tut indulgently.

These days the camera veers wildly into the crowd whenever a streaker rears their ugly, erm , uglies and David Gower frantically starts filling while we stare at the score cars for three minutes.

It's a bloody tragedy as far as I'm concerned, and there are many sporting events that could do with being enlivened by a jiggling pair of breasts while a disbelieving Graemme Swann looks on.

For if the prevailing puritanism in sports TV coverage had always been the norm, how many of us would have enjoyed the thrilling childhood frisson of seeing Erica Roe's gigantic bosom; that bloke vaulting the stumps at Lord's in '75; another chap having his privates covered by a constable's helmet; that picture of a chuffed Botham chating to a topless beauty; and Andrew Symonds absolutely demolishing a streaker at the Gabba.

All those funny little moments are, sadly, no longer a possibility in today's world, where countries go to war over a misplaced nipple of a full moon before the watershed.

No young cricket fan will ever hear Richie Benaud's wry aside on seeing a couple of pert bumpers; no cricketing doubles entendre will again trouble the airwaves; never again will uncontrollable laughter echo around the TMS box on the site of a couple of googlies.

Woaaah! Jeez!

My retirement speech

This was my retirement speech as third team skipper. I was away with work so couldn't attend myself, so I wasn't able to read it out. It meant a lot to me to say how much I enjoyed playing with my friends and team-mates, but there you go.

With a weary sense of inevitability, it was another case of 'nearly, but not quite' for the 3s this season.

Under the joint stewardship of myself and Matt Child - always the Venables to my McLaren - we had probably the strongest team I can remember, but as ever, lack of availability towards the end of the season derailed our title hopes. We used over 40 players over the course of the season.

In terms of batting we had the always-dashing Sefton superstar Vinny Abel opening with the solid and dependable Adam Flynn, who has made huge strides forward in the last year, in terms of the quality of his cricket if not his running between the stumps. They scored 336 runs at 33 and 400 runs at 36 respectively.

Matt Child batted in virtually every spot this season, and had a poor season by his high standards, but his grit and bloody-mindedness saw us to at least one victory. I'm sure he never enjoyed himself more than when carrying his bat on a sticky wicket for 49* in the rain and wind at Ormskirk.

Coming in at three - and usually the first of the middle-order powerhouse - was Paul Eastham, who kicked on again after a strong year in 2009.

His swatted six into the long grass by the pavilion to bring up a ton was a rare moment of cricketing genius – the perfect shot at the perfect time. Paul's jokes are the worst in cricket, possibly the world.

As if those opening salvos hadn't worn out the opposition, the sight of the eight-foot Heandog striding to the wicket in his floppy hat soon would. The sheer hitting power of Mike is probably unrivalled in the league, but there's a touch there too that few would expect from such a rhinoceros of a man.

The third part of the middle-order engine was Nick Moreton, who quietly amassed runs all through the season, or as much as his hectic social schedule allowed. In Nick, we finally had a replacement for Jonny Woodmsith, both in terms of his weight of runs, and in terms of his wide-ranging and frequent social engagements affecting his availability.

Eastham, Heaney and Moreton scored a combined 1000+ runs at phenomenal respective averages of 49, 58 and 46.

To then have Jim Pearce, Adam Taylor, Ali Khan and the hard-hitting Saj Khan still to bat was testament to probably the strongest order in the league - although this meant that players further down the order were often frustrated by the lack of innings.

Vinay Agrekar proved a valuable asset late in the season, with runs and wickets. The prospect of him playing for us next season with Vinny Abel, if he manages to return to the UK, is a mouth-watering prospect.

Adam Taylor had a great season behind the stumps, with the most stumpings to his name of any keeper in the LDCC at one point. He was ably supported by Alex Miller as a natural fit behind the stumps late in the season.

The bowling department was, at times, equally strong with myself, Ali Khan, Rob Kelly, George Lee, James Sayer, Ted Williams, Saj Khan, Vinny and Adam Brennan all in the wickets this season, though we struggled to bowl teams out at times.

Before Jamie Bowman steals the nickname, I'd like to propose Rob Kelly as the unluckiest man in cricket, having bowled consistently well all season for little reward - ending with 10 wickets at 30 apiece. Rob was similarly unlucky in the field all season – the ball kept going towards him. This often proved to be unlucky for the team too, but a true champagne moment catch against Liverpool almost redeemed him.

George Lee may have been the fastest bowler in the league this season, and certainly troubled batsmen of all abilities in the third team league. More consistency will see him troubling batsmen for years to come, almost as much as his strange outbursts troubled me this season. His suggestion that he might explain how an iPhone works to me will stick in the memory. He took 12 wickets at 17.

Saj Khan. Thank God for the relaxed immigration policies of the last 13 years. Saj's left-arm swing arrived around the time Vinny Abel left us this season, and could not have been better timed. His enthusiastic, if rarely-understood, encouragement and will to win was a great addition to the team half-way through the season. Saj took 22 wickets at 15.

Ali Khan also had a good season, adding a vital part of the spinner's arsenal to his talents; namely the ability to take wickets with the filthiest deliveries imaginable. A well-judged adjustment of length against a particularly destructive batsman during the season was evidence that Ali is becoming a thoughtful slow bowler. He took 23 wickets at 15.

Adam Brennan always stepped up when required, and proved himself ready for third team cricket with some excellent performances. He ended up with nine wickets at ten apiece.

Other bowlers who had strong seasons include Vinny, ever-brilliant with the swinging ball and putting in another 7-for which won us a game, something I think he managed every season I played with him.

Ted Williams played for us twice and took 10 wickets at an average of three. What a bastard.

Jay Sayer played once and took a five-for. Bastard.

I took 30 wickets at 15, and even managed to dispose of both Iwan Williams and Stu Lomas with balls than actually spun. Iwan in particular will never forget the send-off he got in the first 3s versus 4s match.

On a personal note - and I'm speaking as Boyner [Mark Boyns, who was reading the speech] now - Robin is quite simply the best bowler I have ever faced. A fine bowler, a fine skipper and a fine human being, with a fine head of hair.

[some stuff about certain teams probably best to not repeat went here]

On the plus side it's a reminder of the valuable work we do with youngsters at Sefton by people like Howie and Ted. It was also a valuable reminder of the importance of respect and fair-play in competitive sport.

I'll finish on a positive: the second memorable game for me was our home fixture against Liverpool.

With a weakened team, we batted first and had an early collapse, courtesy of their first-team bowler; but steady innings from Mike Heaney, Chris Brereton and Ali Khan – none of whom are given to steady innings - at least made a game of it.

Rob and George had an off-day with the new ball, so myself and Vinny came on to try to peg it back. Liverpool, with nine wickets in hand and with 20 overs to score less than a hundred, still finished some 20 runs adrift of our score.

It was a draw, but it felt like a win to us and no doubt a defeat to them. The way the team pulled together and fought for that draw really made me proud to be the third team skipper that day.

If I had the time I'd gladly continue as captain, as I believe we have squad capable of winning the title and the cup and I love playing cricket at Sefton.

However, with a demanding job and new business I don't feel like I can give it my all - and believe there are several other people capable of doing an excellent job. Not quite as good as myself, but still very good.

My thanks go to everyone I played with this season, some of whom are absent tonight. Chief among them is Vinny, who we hope to see back at Sefton soon. In his honour I'd like to raise a glass to probably the only man to ever hit a ton and take a hat-trick as part of a five-for in the same game at Sefton.

My thanks also to Matt Child, Jim Pearce and Mike Heaney for lessening the burden over the course of the season too. And to other skippers for advice and understanding.

There are lots of people whose hard work goes on, often unseen, at the club in order that we can keep playing the game we love. Stu Lomas, Bob Paisley, Howie Baird and Ted Williams are the ones I'm most frequently aware of, although there are many others.

Perhaps most important; Rob Jobson and Charlie O'Mahony labour away heroically throughout the summer and the winter in order that we can play cricket. We should remember that and be grateful for that fact.

Jan and her team prepare what are routinely described as the best teas in the league; while Dave is a reliable and welcoming presence on frantic Saturday mornings.

It just remains for me to reflect on another good, if not great season for the third team - and definitely a great one for the club.

It was an honour and a privilege for me to be a captain at the club in its 150th year - with amazing events like the Solstice Cup; sixes tournament and MCC visit and plenty of national press coverage - and I look forward to playing for many more years at Sefton.