If I were relying on Botham's limp speech - as wooden as a ash stump - to inspire me before battle, I think I would be in trouble.
Similarly, Andrew Strauss is a fine cricketer, but he looks much more like the Atherton/Brearley style of captaincy - all ironed creases and traditional lemonades and Anna Karenina that someone who might cleave someone in two with a broadsword.
Of the others, Swann, Broad or even Colly, with his Northern dourness, are not men I'd choose to watch my back in a streetfight.
Cricket can certainly be played hard, verbally and physically, and it's no sport at the highest levels for weak characters.
However, to suggest that facing Doug Bollinger, Marcus North or Nathan Hauritz is akin to facing a hungry lion or crazed Roman gladiator in battle is a bit much.
It's typical of Sky's gaudy excess, about which I've already complained at lenght on this blog. Suffice it t say that it's shit.
Compare it to the BBC's effort, advertising its coverage of the Ashes on TMS and it seems particularly overblown, which is as apt a comparison between the two as I can imagine.
At the bottom is Sky's advert for its commentary team, showing a disbelieving Shane Warne seeing Australia taken over by the English, including a surfing, commentating David Lloyd shouting his idiotic catchphrase.
It's fairly daft stuff, but Nasser Hussain's sneering 'What do you think about that, Shane?' is quite amusing. Indeed, it's only Hussain, along with Michael Atherton, who offer any deviation from the standard whingeathon or chummy bromides that the Sky commentary team thrive on.
Anyway, here's to the Ashes of 2010. Book the week off, stock the fridge up, tune in, mute the volume and get TMS on the radio, my dear old things.
Showing posts with label Graeme Swann. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Graeme Swann. Show all posts
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Monday, 16 August 2010
Swann subterranean cat screwdriver rescue: Great cricket excuses
Not much to say about this, beyond the obviously-brilliant headline, which comes from Graemme Swann's defence against drink-driving charges.
Swanny says that he was forced into his car to venture to a supermarket in order to fetch tools to lever up the floorboards in his house to rescue his trapped cat.
Whichever way you look at it, that's a hell of a story; made even better by a quote from the police who attended Swann because he was driving a Porsche Cayenne (reason enough in my book) in an area known for burglaries.
Here's the BBC's report of what arresting officer PC Voce saw that fateful night:
So there we have it. Bleary-eyed, slurred-of-speech and waving a bag of screwdrivers around, Swann repeatedly asked the police to turn up at his house and ensure his cat was OK. That all sounds perfectly reasonable to us.
The BBC has certainly had some fun over it, with two effort at a funny headline: ''Drink-driving' Swann blames cat' and 'Drink-drive charge Swann in 'cat rescue attempt''. We prefer the latter.
All joking aside, whatever Swann may or may not have done, he seems anything but the stereotype of the spoilt, arrogant, stupid sportsman on frequent display in this day and age.
In his 'cat rescue attempt', he does, however, join the pantheon of cricketers wielding unlikely excuses. I've rounded up a couple, which may be familiar but are nonetheless still amusing:
• Derek Pringle was said to have once damaged his back while writing a letter so badly that he was forced out of Test contention. In fact, the chair he was sitting on at the time collapsed, which is pretty much every bit as funny.
• Chris Lewis was late for a Test against Pakistan in 1996, claiming he had a puncture. Ray Illingworth simply went to inspect his car, which showed no signs of a punctured tyre.
• While apologising for biting a cricket ball in full view of cameras during a T20 match against Australia, Shahid Afridi also claimed that all international teams tamper with cricket balls, implying that to do so was acceptable, and it was only his chosen method of ball-tampering that was beyond the pale.
• Michael Clarke claimed that the Aussies did not win the 2009 Ashes because of a lack of playing facilities. Well, he implied it. And it's always nice to remind ourselves of what happened in that series.
• Mike Atherton claimed that what looked suspiciously like a V sign directed towards Philo Wallace in 1999 was in fact nothing more than an indication of the whereabouts of the dressing room.
• Matthew Maynard forced himself out of a few games on the 1993 Windies tour by picking up a sea urchin.
All good, but none come close to subterranean cat screwdriver rescue.
Swanny says that he was forced into his car to venture to a supermarket in order to fetch tools to lever up the floorboards in his house to rescue his trapped cat.
Whichever way you look at it, that's a hell of a story; made even better by a quote from the police who attended Swann because he was driving a Porsche Cayenne (reason enough in my book) in an area known for burglaries.
Here's the BBC's report of what arresting officer PC Voce saw that fateful night:
"As he approached us, from the manner of driving I thought we had a burglar or a stolen vehicle.
"He was waving the screwdrivers, saying, 'It's not for what you think, the screwdrivers aren't for what you think'.
"He stated the cat was trapped under floorboards and he continually asked us to contact (his wife Sarah) and a call was made to a sergeant to attend the address and make sure the cat was okay.
"He had had the builders in and the cat was trapped under the floorboards but he couldn't find the screwdrivers in the house so he went to Asda."
'Slurred speech'
After arresting the cricketer and escorting him to the police car, Pc Voice said she had to wind down the driver's side window because he smelled so strongly of alcohol.
So there we have it. Bleary-eyed, slurred-of-speech and waving a bag of screwdrivers around, Swann repeatedly asked the police to turn up at his house and ensure his cat was OK. That all sounds perfectly reasonable to us.
The BBC has certainly had some fun over it, with two effort at a funny headline: ''Drink-driving' Swann blames cat' and 'Drink-drive charge Swann in 'cat rescue attempt''. We prefer the latter.
All joking aside, whatever Swann may or may not have done, he seems anything but the stereotype of the spoilt, arrogant, stupid sportsman on frequent display in this day and age.
In his 'cat rescue attempt', he does, however, join the pantheon of cricketers wielding unlikely excuses. I've rounded up a couple, which may be familiar but are nonetheless still amusing:
• Derek Pringle was said to have once damaged his back while writing a letter so badly that he was forced out of Test contention. In fact, the chair he was sitting on at the time collapsed, which is pretty much every bit as funny.
• Chris Lewis was late for a Test against Pakistan in 1996, claiming he had a puncture. Ray Illingworth simply went to inspect his car, which showed no signs of a punctured tyre.
• While apologising for biting a cricket ball in full view of cameras during a T20 match against Australia, Shahid Afridi also claimed that all international teams tamper with cricket balls, implying that to do so was acceptable, and it was only his chosen method of ball-tampering that was beyond the pale.
• Michael Clarke claimed that the Aussies did not win the 2009 Ashes because of a lack of playing facilities. Well, he implied it. And it's always nice to remind ourselves of what happened in that series.
• Mike Atherton claimed that what looked suspiciously like a V sign directed towards Philo Wallace in 1999 was in fact nothing more than an indication of the whereabouts of the dressing room.
• Matthew Maynard forced himself out of a few games on the 1993 Windies tour by picking up a sea urchin.
All good, but none come close to subterranean cat screwdriver rescue.
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Cricketers on Twitter
The news that Phil Hughes revealed his omission from the Australia side to face England in the Third Test at Edgbaston has propelled Twitter to the forefront of the cricket-loving public's consciousness.
OK, it probably hasn't, but if you use Twitter and would like to follow your favourite cricketers, I've compiled a list of cricketers using the microblogging service.
Boycott and Aggers are my favourite, and the updates from actual Test cricketers veer between the downright fascinating and mind-numbingly mundane. No surprise there then.
I make no claims for their authenticity, though they all seem real enough to me. All you need to do is click on the URL and follow the cricket person of your choice, assuming you have an account.
If you don't and need to set one up, don't worry - it's easy. Have a gander at this handy guide to using Twitter if you need to.
Until then: Start the car!
Kevin Pietersen
http://twitter.com/kevinpp24
Bio: N/A
England's go-to man over the last few years, right up to the point where they dropped him anyway. Famously reacted to said news with 'foul-mouthed' 'rant' on Twitter.
Married to that girl who used to be in Liberty X.
Best tweet: "Done for rest of summer!! Man of the World Cup T20, and dropped from the T20 side too. It's a fuck-up ..."
Michael Vaughan
http://twitter.com/VaughanCricket
Bio: Manchester born sheffield lad. Ex England cricket skipper.Wednesday supporter and very keen golfer
England captaincy great, forever to have 2005 etched on his bio. Followed Warne and Gooch down the hair route (allegedly) and taken to increasingly odd exploits such as artballing. Good on TMS.
Best tweet: A run for every spectator at Trent bridge... Notts 59 all out
Shane Warne
http://twitter.com/warne888
Bio: father to my lovely 3 children , motto keep smiling, be true to yourself
Aussie ledge, famous for the ball of the century, rowing with Ricky Ponting, dodgy phone exploits, fake hair and rubbish commentary that generally starts with "Aw, look...".
Best tweet: "Ps feel for people in country Vic and some parts of nsw, we need the rain desperately to fill dams, but terrible re floods, glad sun out!"
Dimitri Mascarenhas
http://twitter.com/DimiMascarenhas
Bio: N/A
England all-rounder apparently bred for one-day cricket and T20, bizarrely dispatched by England in favour of player like Michael Lumb and Alastair Cook. Looks a bit like a pirate.
Best tweet: "Chairman of selectors came and didn't even come and say hi.. What a p***k.. Doesn't take much to say hello does it?"
or
"Geoff Miller is a complete k**b.. He had no clue what he is doing.. Fing p***k"
Graeme Swann
http://twitter.com/Swannyg66
Bio: N/A
The new England team jack-the-lad. An old mate of mine played cricket with him as a schoolboy. He didn't like the England tweaker, but I get the feeling Swanny's changed a bit since then.
Follows Clint Boon.
Best tweet: i shall talk in the third person here...the swannatron apologises for dropping a clanger this morning.
Christopher Martin-Jenkins
http://twitter.com/cmjcricket
TMS' veteran double-barreled commentator
Best tweet: Should have picked Ramps. Had to have a century-maker. Good luck toi Trott but 30 won't be enough. Australia to win despite Freddie?
Test Match Special (Alison Mitchell)
http://twitter.com/bbctms
Bio: Alison Mitchell in the TMS box and around the ground
Blow-by-blow updates from Tests, one-dayers, T20s and county games.
Best tweet: Dinner chez Boycott tonight!
David Lloyd
http://twitter.com/BumbleCricket
Bio: Start the car!
Everything you'd expect from Bumble, the clown prince of cricket. Look at his bio!
Best tweet: bad light looming
Jonathan Agnew
http://twitter.com/Aggerscricket
Bio: BBC cricket correspondent, following the fortunes - or otherwise - of the England cricket team
As English as warm beer, and as comforting as a warm blanket. Plus he's a very good journalist.
Best tweet: Geoffrey is officially mad! Confirmed
Phil Tufnell
http://twitter.com/philtufnell
Bio: I am Phil Tuffers Tufnell former England Cricket Professional and Jungle superstar!
Everyone's favourite loveable cricket wide boy, who surprised everyone when he turned out to be a great commentator. His royal jelly exchange with Aggers was something to behold.
Best tweet: The samba is a Brazilian party dance , I live in bloody surrey
Simon Mann
http://twitter.com/Cricket_Mann
Bio: Test Match Special cricket commentator, freelance sports broadcaster
Test Match Special commentator, broadcaster rather than ex-cricketer, who is OK in our book.
Best tweet: trying to explain cricket to 8yo. 'How many points for that?' after rare England four.
Tim Bresnan
Tim Bresnan
Bio: Play Cricket Yorkshire and England love travelling and good banter
Banter-loving big-bottomed all-rounder. Probably less enamoured with the bollocking he received for some expletive-laden Twitter banter last year.
Best tweet: Don’t mind my mates dishing it out but who the fuck are you. Crawl out of your basement. U knob
Malcolm Ashton
http://twitter.com/TMSscorer
Bio: Relatively new Grandad, TMS scorer and Bury FC supporter
Ever wondered when England last played with three seamers whose names all ended in -son?
Best tweet: Go Strauss dog!!
Henry Blofeld
http://twitter.com/blowersh
Bio: this is Blowersh in the TMS box for real
Blowers on Twitter, whod'v'e thunk it? An insight into what it's like to live like a 1920s gentleman adventurer.
Best tweet: A parking ticket in Bond Street outside Charbonnel & Walker - best chocs ever. Bridge this evening softened by Blowers brill Cote du Rhone!
James Anderson
http://twitter.com/JimmyAnderson9
Bio: N/A
Live cricket tweets from the England locker room, from Jimmy.
Best tweet: On this day each year I always think about the U2 song - "One".
Gary Keedy
http://twitter.com/keeds23
Veteran tweaker. Surprisingly never played for England.
Best tweet: is queuing up at the rubbish tip!
Darren Gough
http://twitter.com/DGoughie
Bio: Cricketer come dancer. Radio pundit come 'all rounder' good egg!!
Darren follows @PorkFarms. We shouldn't be too surprised.
Best tweet: To win a ball, complete the following sentence: #GoughiesBalls I should win a Goughie ball because ...
The Spin (Lawrence Booth)
http://twitter.com/the_spin
Bio: N/A
The Guardian's Spin section, usually edited by Lawrence Booth, who I presume is behind the Twitter account.
Jason Gillespie
http://twitter.com/Jason_Gillespie
Bio: I am Jason Gillespie former Australian Cricket player over in England for the Ashes 2009
Very good on TMS, Gilly is obviously a nice bloke. That's another for the burgeoning 'nice Aussie' category.
Best tweet: Congrats to England. Well played. Thank you to those who have followed my tweets during the series. Take care all. Dizzy, signing off!!!!!!!
Geoffrey Boycott*
http://twitter.com/GeoffreyBoycott
Bio: Former Yorkshire and England cricketer, turned commentator.
Typically pessimistic stuff from the Yorkshire legend. Says 'daft' a lot.
* No less than Jonathan Agnew has informed me that Boycs' Twitter account is not genuine
Phil Hughes
http://twitter.com/PH408
Bio: N/A
The blistering Aussie opener supposedly revealed that he'd been dropped from Ashes XI via Twitter. Didn't tweet the subsequent bollocking he received from Cricket Oz.
Best tweet: Disappointed not to be on the field with the lads today, will be supporting the guys, it's a BIG test match 4 us. Thanks 4 all the support!
Iain O'Brien
http://twitter.com/iainobrien
Bio: Get my blog updates from here...
Kiwi fast bowler on life in the counties. Blogged a match I was at. That was weird.
Best tweet: the 4.25 to Upper Hutt does not stop at Petone,nor Ava,nor Woburn. It's now a long walk from Waterloo. I'm not to to good with public trnspt
Kyle Hogg
http://twitter.com/hoggy22
Play for Lancs, likes good music
Bio: play cricket, big music fan,love joy division,led zep,smiths,etc,etc,etc
Best tweet: Bleep test in the morning, oh shit
ECB
http://twitter.com/ECB_cricket
Bio: News and live cricket scores from England and Wales Cricket Board. Plus general cricket info and updates every day on the cricket scene
Not as boring as you'd think.
Best tweet: Swann no longer an ugly duckling
Sachin Tendular
http://twitter.com/Sachin_rt
Monosyllabic tweets from the Little Master.
* Have updated this one to what I'm assured is the correct account
Yuvraj Singh
http://twitter.com/yuvsingh09/
Engaging stuff from the Indian bruiser and KP nemesis
Best tweet: http://twitpic.com/voru9 - Eliminating negative ions through the feet - treatment with Dr Jatin
MS Dhoni
http://twitter.com/msdhonis
Indian skipper intermittent tweets some interesting stuff
* Also updated this one
Robin Brown
http://twitter.com/robinbrown78
Updates from me, often about Sefton Park CC and cricket in general. Not the former Zimbabwean coach.
OK, it probably hasn't, but if you use Twitter and would like to follow your favourite cricketers, I've compiled a list of cricketers using the microblogging service.
Boycott and Aggers are my favourite, and the updates from actual Test cricketers veer between the downright fascinating and mind-numbingly mundane. No surprise there then.
I make no claims for their authenticity, though they all seem real enough to me. All you need to do is click on the URL and follow the cricket person of your choice, assuming you have an account.
If you don't and need to set one up, don't worry - it's easy. Have a gander at this handy guide to using Twitter if you need to.
Until then: Start the car!
Kevin Pietersen
http://twitter.com/kevinpp24
Bio: N/A
England's go-to man over the last few years, right up to the point where they dropped him anyway. Famously reacted to said news with 'foul-mouthed' 'rant' on Twitter.
Married to that girl who used to be in Liberty X.
Best tweet: "Done for rest of summer!! Man of the World Cup T20, and dropped from the T20 side too. It's a fuck-up ..."
Michael Vaughan
http://twitter.com/VaughanCricket
Bio: Manchester born sheffield lad. Ex England cricket skipper.Wednesday supporter and very keen golfer
England captaincy great, forever to have 2005 etched on his bio. Followed Warne and Gooch down the hair route (allegedly) and taken to increasingly odd exploits such as artballing. Good on TMS.
Best tweet: A run for every spectator at Trent bridge... Notts 59 all out
Shane Warne
http://twitter.com/warne888
Bio: father to my lovely 3 children , motto keep smiling, be true to yourself
Aussie ledge, famous for the ball of the century, rowing with Ricky Ponting, dodgy phone exploits, fake hair and rubbish commentary that generally starts with "Aw, look...".
Best tweet: "Ps feel for people in country Vic and some parts of nsw, we need the rain desperately to fill dams, but terrible re floods, glad sun out!"
Dimitri Mascarenhas
http://twitter.com/DimiMascarenhas
Bio: N/A
England all-rounder apparently bred for one-day cricket and T20, bizarrely dispatched by England in favour of player like Michael Lumb and Alastair Cook. Looks a bit like a pirate.
Best tweet: "Chairman of selectors came and didn't even come and say hi.. What a p***k.. Doesn't take much to say hello does it?"
or
"Geoff Miller is a complete k**b.. He had no clue what he is doing.. Fing p***k"
Graeme Swann
http://twitter.com/Swannyg66
Bio: N/A
The new England team jack-the-lad. An old mate of mine played cricket with him as a schoolboy. He didn't like the England tweaker, but I get the feeling Swanny's changed a bit since then.
Follows Clint Boon.
Best tweet: i shall talk in the third person here...the swannatron apologises for dropping a clanger this morning.
Christopher Martin-Jenkins
http://twitter.com/cmjcricket
TMS' veteran double-barreled commentator
Best tweet: Should have picked Ramps. Had to have a century-maker. Good luck toi Trott but 30 won't be enough. Australia to win despite Freddie?
Test Match Special (Alison Mitchell)
http://twitter.com/bbctms
Bio: Alison Mitchell in the TMS box and around the ground
Blow-by-blow updates from Tests, one-dayers, T20s and county games.
Best tweet: Dinner chez Boycott tonight!
David Lloyd
http://twitter.com/BumbleCricket
Bio: Start the car!
Everything you'd expect from Bumble, the clown prince of cricket. Look at his bio!
Best tweet: bad light looming
Jonathan Agnew
http://twitter.com/Aggerscricket
Bio: BBC cricket correspondent, following the fortunes - or otherwise - of the England cricket team
As English as warm beer, and as comforting as a warm blanket. Plus he's a very good journalist.
Best tweet: Geoffrey is officially mad! Confirmed
Phil Tufnell
http://twitter.com/philtufnell
Bio: I am Phil Tuffers Tufnell former England Cricket Professional and Jungle superstar!
Everyone's favourite loveable cricket wide boy, who surprised everyone when he turned out to be a great commentator. His royal jelly exchange with Aggers was something to behold.
Best tweet: The samba is a Brazilian party dance , I live in bloody surrey
Simon Mann
http://twitter.com/Cricket_Mann
Bio: Test Match Special cricket commentator, freelance sports broadcaster
Test Match Special commentator, broadcaster rather than ex-cricketer, who is OK in our book.
Best tweet: trying to explain cricket to 8yo. 'How many points for that?' after rare England four.
Tim Bresnan
Tim Bresnan
Bio: Play Cricket Yorkshire and England love travelling and good banter
Banter-loving big-bottomed all-rounder. Probably less enamoured with the bollocking he received for some expletive-laden Twitter banter last year.
Best tweet: Don’t mind my mates dishing it out but who the fuck are you. Crawl out of your basement. U knob
Malcolm Ashton
http://twitter.com/TMSscorer
Bio: Relatively new Grandad, TMS scorer and Bury FC supporter
Ever wondered when England last played with three seamers whose names all ended in -son?
Best tweet: Go Strauss dog!!
Henry Blofeld
http://twitter.com/blowersh
Bio: this is Blowersh in the TMS box for real
Blowers on Twitter, whod'v'e thunk it? An insight into what it's like to live like a 1920s gentleman adventurer.
Best tweet: A parking ticket in Bond Street outside Charbonnel & Walker - best chocs ever. Bridge this evening softened by Blowers brill Cote du Rhone!
James Anderson
http://twitter.com/JimmyAnderson9
Bio: N/A
Live cricket tweets from the England locker room, from Jimmy.
Best tweet: On this day each year I always think about the U2 song - "One".
Gary Keedy
http://twitter.com/keeds23
Veteran tweaker. Surprisingly never played for England.
Best tweet: is queuing up at the rubbish tip!
Darren Gough
http://twitter.com/DGoughie
Bio: Cricketer come dancer. Radio pundit come 'all rounder' good egg!!
Darren follows @PorkFarms. We shouldn't be too surprised.
Best tweet: To win a ball, complete the following sentence: #GoughiesBalls I should win a Goughie ball because ...
The Spin (Lawrence Booth)
http://twitter.com/the_spin
Bio: N/A
The Guardian's Spin section, usually edited by Lawrence Booth, who I presume is behind the Twitter account.
Jason Gillespie
http://twitter.com/Jason_Gillespie
Bio: I am Jason Gillespie former Australian Cricket player over in England for the Ashes 2009
Very good on TMS, Gilly is obviously a nice bloke. That's another for the burgeoning 'nice Aussie' category.
Best tweet: Congrats to England. Well played. Thank you to those who have followed my tweets during the series. Take care all. Dizzy, signing off!!!!!!!
Geoffrey Boycott*
http://twitter.com/GeoffreyBoycott
Bio: Former Yorkshire and England cricketer, turned commentator.
Typically pessimistic stuff from the Yorkshire legend. Says 'daft' a lot.
* No less than Jonathan Agnew has informed me that Boycs' Twitter account is not genuine
Phil Hughes
http://twitter.com/PH408
Bio: N/A
The blistering Aussie opener supposedly revealed that he'd been dropped from Ashes XI via Twitter. Didn't tweet the subsequent bollocking he received from Cricket Oz.
Best tweet: Disappointed not to be on the field with the lads today, will be supporting the guys, it's a BIG test match 4 us. Thanks 4 all the support!
Iain O'Brien
http://twitter.com/iainobrien
Bio: Get my blog updates from here...
Kiwi fast bowler on life in the counties. Blogged a match I was at. That was weird.
Best tweet: the 4.25 to Upper Hutt does not stop at Petone,nor Ava,nor Woburn. It's now a long walk from Waterloo. I'm not to to good with public trnspt
Kyle Hogg
http://twitter.com/hoggy22
Play for Lancs, likes good music
Bio: play cricket, big music fan,love joy division,led zep,smiths,etc,etc,etc
Best tweet: Bleep test in the morning, oh shit
ECB
http://twitter.com/ECB_cricket
Bio: News and live cricket scores from England and Wales Cricket Board. Plus general cricket info and updates every day on the cricket scene
Not as boring as you'd think.
Best tweet: Swann no longer an ugly duckling
Sachin Tendular
http://twitter.com/Sachin_rt
Monosyllabic tweets from the Little Master.
* Have updated this one to what I'm assured is the correct account
Yuvraj Singh
http://twitter.com/yuvsingh09/
Engaging stuff from the Indian bruiser and KP nemesis
Best tweet: http://twitpic.com/voru9 - Eliminating negative ions through the feet - treatment with Dr Jatin
MS Dhoni
http://twitter.com/msdhonis
Indian skipper intermittent tweets some interesting stuff
* Also updated this one
Robin Brown
http://twitter.com/robinbrown78
Updates from me, often about Sefton Park CC and cricket in general. Not the former Zimbabwean coach.
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
What is lamb? Are good cricketers stupid?
Simon Wilde's excellent Graeme Swann interview in the Sunday Telegraph reveals the startling fact that it's not just Sefton youths who have trouble identifying meat (see sidebar).
In amongst some choice quotes about the lack of complexity of several team mates, Swann reveals that Rob Key (a man who looks like he should be familiar with food of all kinds) was of the opinion that lamb comes from, er, cows.
Apparently nonplussed by the clue in the title, Key was forced to seek an answer from colt leggie Adil Rashid – a man ten years his junior.
This episode reveals something that hitherto overlooked - the fact that most sports people at the top of their game are as thick as two short planks.
It's interesting to note whether this is cause or effect, nature or nurture but it's surely not controversial to speculate whether there's an inverse ratio between sporting ability and intelligence.
Certainly any club cricketer will attest to the uncomplicated minds of the demon fast bowler or hard-hitting opening batsman. It's generally only the cunning spinner or fidgety keeper who display any signs of a strong mind.
That may be unfair. The Swann interview makes no mention of levels of intellect, but rather reveals an innate inability to function as a real human being.
Swann voices his wonder that several team-mates – Panesar, Luke Wright and Ravi Bopara among them - have not simply walked in front of a car or stuck their fingers in a socket, only just stopping short of suggesting that left to their own devices they may have starved to death, unable to grasp the fundamental concept of replenishment.
Disturbingly, Swann also seems to suggest that Bopara is some sort of Ballardian proto-human, frequently making 'a lot of noise, a lot of noise, and strange noises too ... he shouts and screams.'
Many modern sports stars seem to be rather protected throughout their lives, at first by parents or coaches, then by agents and management - cosseted through the rough and tough bits of life and rarely coming face to face with any kind of recognisable reality.
This may simply be the best way of getting the most out of your talent. it's always the players that suggest they have rather more about them that tend to struggle most. Shah, Hick, Ramprakash, Tufnell are all recent examples of the brighter cricketer blessed with immense talent, but undone by their neuroses.
And most club cricketers will recognise the archetype of the enigmatic talent, destined to never fulfill potential.
Perhaps in sport it pays to be a bit of a dunce. If all you have rattling around inside your relatively empty head is the name of the meat you had for lunch, you can't fail to be focussed.
In amongst some choice quotes about the lack of complexity of several team mates, Swann reveals that Rob Key (a man who looks like he should be familiar with food of all kinds) was of the opinion that lamb comes from, er, cows.
Apparently nonplussed by the clue in the title, Key was forced to seek an answer from colt leggie Adil Rashid – a man ten years his junior.
This episode reveals something that hitherto overlooked - the fact that most sports people at the top of their game are as thick as two short planks.
It's interesting to note whether this is cause or effect, nature or nurture but it's surely not controversial to speculate whether there's an inverse ratio between sporting ability and intelligence.
Certainly any club cricketer will attest to the uncomplicated minds of the demon fast bowler or hard-hitting opening batsman. It's generally only the cunning spinner or fidgety keeper who display any signs of a strong mind.
That may be unfair. The Swann interview makes no mention of levels of intellect, but rather reveals an innate inability to function as a real human being.
Swann voices his wonder that several team-mates – Panesar, Luke Wright and Ravi Bopara among them - have not simply walked in front of a car or stuck their fingers in a socket, only just stopping short of suggesting that left to their own devices they may have starved to death, unable to grasp the fundamental concept of replenishment.
Disturbingly, Swann also seems to suggest that Bopara is some sort of Ballardian proto-human, frequently making 'a lot of noise, a lot of noise, and strange noises too ... he shouts and screams.'
Many modern sports stars seem to be rather protected throughout their lives, at first by parents or coaches, then by agents and management - cosseted through the rough and tough bits of life and rarely coming face to face with any kind of recognisable reality.
This may simply be the best way of getting the most out of your talent. it's always the players that suggest they have rather more about them that tend to struggle most. Shah, Hick, Ramprakash, Tufnell are all recent examples of the brighter cricketer blessed with immense talent, but undone by their neuroses.
And most club cricketers will recognise the archetype of the enigmatic talent, destined to never fulfill potential.
Perhaps in sport it pays to be a bit of a dunce. If all you have rattling around inside your relatively empty head is the name of the meat you had for lunch, you can't fail to be focussed.
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