The Fat Slogger

Every bowler will know the archetype of the fat slogger, and every bowler will have suffered at the hands of the FS.

They're usually in their 40s, red-faced and aggressive. They feast on pies and pints as readily as half volleys and long hops. They're essentially fat bastards.

The fat slogger has one aim in life – to dispatch your best deliveries to the boundary with a meaty forearm and bat, and a significant degree of luck.

If you bowl a really good ball – one just back of a length – the fat slogger will contemptuously pat it down in front of him or simply pad up.

Because the Fat Slogger is quite tall he gets a good stride in, reason enough for the opposition umpire to give FS not out.

The FS will go hard at every ball, and will edge balls fast through the slips, or just get enough of the ball to clear the fielder you've placed at Cow.

The slower ball that is often the nemesis of the Fat Slogger can be just as easily dispatched mercilessly if your length or line are slightly out.

Fat Sloggers are flat-track bullies, and as such can be tied in knots by sticky wicket or a moving ball, but they've probably biffed a few lucky 4s by the time they're out.

Most are blessed with an extraordinary eye, or were once quite useful. And they're fat - so the ball goes further.

They're nearly always obnoxious and full of themselves, and project an air of lofty disinterest in proceedings.

After a slogged, fat 70 not out, the FS will almost certainly come on to bowl some pies and bafflingly take five wickets.

I hate Fat Sloggers.